TWENTY QUESTIONS FOR A GIRL I DON’T EXPECT TO HEAR BACK FROM

1) Yes or No? In general, I mean.

2) Happy or sad? Weak or strong? Ditto.

3) If I asked you what your favourite books/films/songs are, would you list them then ask me to do the same? What a conversation that would make!

4) What are your earliest memories?

5) Did you enjoy losing your virginity or was it unpleasant/awkward/regretted even as it was happening? That sounds quite crude, asking that, doesn’t it: but probably our taboos, greater and lesser, are scabs over those areas of our psyches where we’re most vulnerable, where we might see too clearly how vastly more complex are our lives than we will ever be capable of realising, there, where become apparent all the ways in which Experience shapes us. There: the act of losing your virginity – an event that loomed not a little large on those horizons for not a little while – is a moment you’re pretty much guaranteed to remember forever. A part of you is, always will be, that. Which must shape our psychologies, our personalities, to an extent? Which means if you want to know someone then these are the areas worth homing-in on…

6) Who’s the better dancer, you or me?

7) How did you feel while you were… performing… a blow-job for the first time? God it’s another one of those questions, well yeah but, again, it’s probably valuable and anyway convention was only ever good for telling to go screw itself, so: how did you feel while you were performing a blow-job for the first time? That face-meet-genitals moment, that must be important mustn’t it, your reaction/s: horniness? bewilderment? disgust? an amusement you tried to suppress? duty-bound? more more more?

8) Why am I so obsessed with sex? That’s a rhetorical question but you can answer it if you like.

9) How old? I’d guess around 28 but I’d say 21 in an attempt to flatter you but you’d know that was what I was doing and it’d strike you as pathetic.

10) What’s the difference between stalking someone and making a series of romantic gestures for someone? I know loads of guys who are curious.

11) Why do nice girls never reply to my e-mails? I suspect it might be because they’re scum and anyway I didn’t want them to anyway anyway I hope they die painfully – but I do doubt my objectivity. (Joke.)

12) Are you the candle-flame or the moth? Me, I’m neither, I’m the storm the moth kicks up half a world away with the flapping of its wings.

13) Good, eh? (God he is smug.)

14) When you read the word “girl” above (“Twenty Questions For A Girl…”), did you bristle?

15) What, in your humble opinion, explains the popularity of Wrestling among a “certain type” of men/boys? Seriously, what sort of person would you have to be to get off on watching fixed fights?

16) What is it with fights anyway?

13) Do you mind?

14) Do you ever get flashes like Philip Dick did when he said “The Empire Never Ended,” what Gurdjieff called “The Horror Of The Situation,” can you ever actually feel all the ways in which your psyche is shackled, your movements are restrained, and you’ve been enslaved you really have you have it’s really really happened can’t you see?

15) If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me, yes or no?

16) Seriously though, do you mind me asking these questions?

17) “Twenty Questions For A Girl I Don’t Expect To Hear Back From” – fatalism or blatant attempt to manipulate?

18) Have you ever told someone “I love you” just to hurt them?

19) Have you ever told someone “I love you” because you hope that by saying the words you can make it true?

20) Have you ever spent hours-days-weeks-months-years saying nothing but “I love you” and hearing only “I love you” both of you meaning it and wanting to mean it forever?

21) Is “I’m so lonely, hug me, please, I cry myself to sleep” the new “If you won’t be my girlfriend I’ll kill myself”?

22) Is this maybe starting to drag on a bit?

23) Have you ever asked anyone: “Have you ever pissed in the sink?”?

24) Dog, cat, or neither? What’s your sign? Is it fair to place three questions in this one space?

24) If you could be one god or goddess, which?

24) Why does my chat-up line – “Let me gaze into your abyss!” – never really entirely all that very much work?

24) Fear, much?

25) What questions should I have been asking instead?

26) Do you ever get flashes of gog-eyed wide-wowed AWE it’s all right everything’s right it’s doing alright, it’s trying, we’re trying and however bad things get there’s beauty, sing along with the birds?

AND now, Mrscissors Plantagenet-Brown from Earth-1, to win a BRAND NEW FREEZER and a badge that says “I AM A ****” you’ve got just ONE MORE QUESTION TO GO!!

27) Can you think of a good way to

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